How has everyone been the past few months? For me the stress surrounding my job being taken away, looking for a new job, and getting acquainted with my new job took a bit of a toll. That on top of managing everything else I was doing left me with not a lot of time for what I enjoyed and am passionate about. The good news is that the field is beginning to level out again; I’ve enjoyed the local activities picked up this year; and I’m able to focus on my own recovery again at a manageable level. That all said I once again plan to start picking back up the posts here on Voices for Awareness.
I am dedicating this blog to awareness about the stigma surrounding mental illness in the professional workforce. Whenever in public I feel this shadow cast over me because of what I go through on a daily basis. It’s bad enough that I have the illness, and the stigma makes it worse. I’ve managed to fill in most of my family now and the reaction has been mostly tears and wishing they could understand better, not quite what I expected but welcomed. Next I want to get them involved with my awareness campaign.
I finally began feeling pretty secure at my job, no one even knew I had generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I was extremely productive, did something I enjoy, and had a team that accepted me for who I was, or at least presented myself to be, since I didn’t share my battles. My battles with mental illness didn’t need to be brought up though, and the team helped me learn more about myself when they didn’t even know it. My illnesses are just that, illnesses, they never defined who I am. I began to better understand my anxiety better and my team helped me come to the realization that I needed to seek help.
The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.
The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it’s not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I’ve noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.
I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn’t happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn’t happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I’ve initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that’s also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it’s best to try and tackle this before it’s too late.
Greetings everyone. Just Saturday was TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) Awareness Day (link at bottom of post). If you didn’t get to do anything for it it’s not too late. Every day is awareness and support day. Before I get on to the main topic I have planned for this post I thought it would be worth mentioning I finally came out to some family about this blog. It is my hope that through the personal contacts I have I can answer the questions those closest to me have always had and spread awareness out through them as well. Those close to me have actually wanted to try and understand and be able to better support me, but until now I haven’t felt ready. Time will tell how well this works out, but I feel it’s an important step in recovery.
If I look back on the last 8 years of my life, more so the last 2 years, there is the theme of wanting to be myself. Who I am is caring, loving, and accepting of many different people and their cultures. I enjoy online games, music, and traveling to new places. Since I graduated college and began working I have lost the part meeting many new people and being able to travel when I want and to where I want. Most of all I’ve been trying to move on and focus on the future, completely forgetting about my past. Bad idea though.
Good morning everyone. Hopefully it hasn’t been as hectic for everyone as it has me the past couple weeks. I’ve traveled, met some new people in the online realm of gaming, watched TV, and picked up new music. Regardless I’m managing to get on top of everything and want to provide another post.
In my struggle to meet new people there is one key factor that gets in the way the most. That is maintaining the activities that I enjoy and finding similar people who accept those same activities. For example I enjoy playing video games, Massively Multiplay Online (MMO) games in particular these days. I used to play First Person games, but found I enjoyed the MMO scene quite a bit. There are a lot of people addicted to games to the point of playing 9 hours a day though and I get looked at like one of them anytime I mention to someone new that I enjoy MMOs. In another case there are members of my family who smoke. I have seen first hand through them how destructive smoking is, wouldn’t start myself, and wish they could stop. However my experiences with self injury and depression have opened my mind up to the world of addiction, the destruction addiction causes, and how difficult it is to get out. I may not self injure like I used to, but the thoughts and cravings are still there.
A subject that hits home very much and I think is important to cover: Bullying. This can take many shapes and forms and be encountered anywhere. I experienced it in grade school, it has happened to me in the work place, and the place I expected it least till the last 4 years, online, the world wide web. The following post will go through what I deal with today and work back to roughly 1995, the early school days. Lets begin.
I’ve seen a couple videos from regular vlogs I keep up on weekly in regards to mental health, this time on college living. One from The Emmy R and the other From Miss Lizenka. I’ll link them before moving on with my own experiences so you can get their perspectives as well. They both have good information. I would like to add to their input based on reflection having graduated a couple years ago.
The Questions Are: 1)did you ever consider any other living options? 2)in relation to mental health how had living on campus effected you? 3)if you could change your living situation for collage would you? why?
Yesterday I finally got internet connectivity again and am able to continue on with my posts. The last week though has been an interesting experience though looking at the different affects its had on me.
I think one person at work has begun to sense a little that there is a bit more behind my face than what I really show on a daily basis. I haven’t outright spoken about the difference issues I have, but instead have passed the blame onto all the changes going on in my life right now. I think even my mom over the phone perhaps has noticed somewhat of a change. Between moving and changing jobs the different issues are flaring up a bit more. Without the internet and most of my distractions, the situation became even more interesting.
As the move got closer I got more nervous and anxious. I also began to wonder if I would actually manage to pack everything in time before the big moving day. I did finish though, 12am the morning prior to the move.
The past week I’ve found myself making a lot more phone calls than usual. I really don’t like talking on the phone, but it’s been something to keep me distracted and occupied. If I go back to my old place now I feel really out of place like I don’t belong there. At my new place I feel more comfortable in that I like the floor plan and space better than the other. The community also seems to be a bit more mature, which is wonderful, but I haven’t been able to meet too many new people yet. I need to work up the courage to go for a run around the neighborhood or something. It would be good for my physical well-being too.
I still haven’t checked my new mailbox; I have this fear of who I will run into and just keep avoiding it. The people around seem friendly, but other than observation I tend to just keep to a friendly hello and proceed to my place. Updating my address has been taking a bit of effort as well. I pushed off changing my internet service till the last minute as well as electric and postal. I should have done these things in advance, I don’t know if this is natural or not. I still need to adjust quite a bit, but all in all I feel the new place is better for me than the old one.
Problems I Attribute to the Old Place:
1) I’ve noticed relapse of my depression, but in worse ways than before and closer to borderline or bipolar. I am not sure entirely what to make of this, but will elaborate further in a later post.
2) Due to the noise problems and lack of proper handling I have distanced myself from people further and my anxiety towards being accepted and around people has become worse.
What the Old Place Helped:
1) I began to stand up for myself and not tolerate others bringing me down.
Things to do while moving when without internet and much else to do include:
1) Read a book (This has helped me a lot)
2) Call a friend or family if you have a cell phone
3) Drive an hour to dinner (if you have a car and license)
This wasn’t a post about much, but I am back and expect to have a more informative post soon, including posts about how the moving experience progresses over the next few weeks.
In no way has any scientific research been done for this post, just personal observation of myself. This post is a bit longer than most of my others, so grab a drink, queue up the music, and tune in!
For me confidence is something that comes and goes. Most of the time in social situation it runs away and leaves me behind. There are some observations I have made though, especially in regards to my professional work life, not the same as my social life. One quote I always reference from the public speaking course I was required to take is: “To be confident act confident”. For the most part that is true.
I am a male of age 25 that has struggled with mental illness and self-harm. I am here to share my story and contribute to awareness about mental health, anxiety, depression, and self-harm.
Six years ago I was diagnosed with major depression and since then have made excellent progress towards recovery.
I hope to help others and inform the world about the truth.
This tumblr will import posts from my blogspot blog and also allow readers to post questions that I'll make an effort to answer. Questions are open to anonymous submissions at the moment. If you would like me to answer and approve your submission for public display please refrain from any triggering or disrespectful content.