How has everyone been the past few months? For me the stress surrounding my job being taken away, looking for a new job, and getting acquainted with my new job took a bit of a toll. That on top of managing everything else I was doing left me with not a lot of time for what I enjoyed and am passionate about. The good news is that the field is beginning to level out again; I’ve enjoyed the local activities picked up this year; and I’m able to focus on my own recovery again at a manageable level. That all said I once again plan to start picking back up the posts here on Voices for Awareness.
I planned to write this post on New Years Eve or New Years Day but delayed it as I increased my advocacy and activism at the local level due to the November employment events. However, those events have pushed forward some exciting and important plans for the Voices for Awareness campaign in 2012. That said these plans have been in planning for some time and are always a work in progress being refined to meet the needs and voices of the world wide mental health community. Voices for Awareness can use your help and experiences to spread the word too, more on that to come later in the update.
Before diving into the 2012 direction though, a quick recap of 2011. In 2011 I began my campaign after following several blogs and vlogs others maintained, having been helped and inspired by them. I realized how much I could offer through my own experiences and that silence wasn’t the answer. Speaking out helps myself, others, and in return fights stigma; allowing more of us to seek help and treatment. I was successful in getting my career on track, started seeking help again, lost my job to the stigma, and began taking the campaign on the road locally with the anticipation of expanding the borders in 2012.
Morning everyone. I hope you all had a good past week and a happy Halloween if it’s celebrated where you are. Happy Holidays to everyone else around the world too; I know there are a few different ones being celebrated right now. Lets do a quick update, there have been some major accomplishments.
First off I have been on Paxil for roughly 18 days (not keeping exact count, but the last post was about 9 days ago). I think the medication is really helping this time around. Nothing is cured and certainly not everything has been impacted by the medication, but I feel there is a step in the positive direction.
The last post I made was in regards to a step backwards progress-wise and my upcoming doctor appointment to try and figure out what is going on with me. That appointment was last Friday and I would like to reflect back on it, the outcome, and where I think I am headed in the future from it.
The core issues that I spoke with the doctor about - Other than essential tasks to survive, such as; going to work or the grocery store for food, arriving at an airport, etc - I find it nearly impossible to leave my home and do something. I get very nauseous, have trouble breathing, and am brought down to my knees. Panic attacks and anxiety overcome me most of the time and it takes everything in my to put a stop to them. Another issue is relapse of self-injury, although not nearly as severe as it used to be. Based off of these issues the doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
Fall is among us, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the temperature is beginning to drop outside. September was usually a month I could turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Place some fans and was good to go. Nice and relaxing to come home and just relax in a cool environment. This is also the worst time of year for me typically. Thoughts of what happened 4 years ago revisit my mind, although it’s not as bad as a year after. Each year had seemed to get better, except this year I’ve noticed a little progress in the opposite direction.
I have not returned to when I was the worst, but I want to make sure that doesn’t happen. There are steps I have taken to try and make sure this doesn’t happen, one in particular, not stay quite as silent this time. I’ve initiated steps that are a little quicker than I would like them to be, but I think that’s also part of my mind speaking against me. At the same time I really see that it’s best to try and tackle this before it’s too late.
Before I get involved with the upcoming busy week I thought it would be helpful to share an inspirational and helpful person I pay attention to on a weekly basis if not a few times a week. I would like to try and highlight different people on occasion to provide everyone with more tools to get through what they are dealing with. Whether it be passively watching a vlog, listening or calling into a radio station, talking to someone online, getting in touch with family or friends, there is help out there for you. Sunday nights at 10pm EST (9pm CST, 7pm PST, 3am GMT) I listen to a radio show for many different types of support. If you need help or someone to talk to Dawson McAllister will take your calls on Sunday nights (United States). Available support doesn’t stop there though, a hopeline is available all week with hope coaches. You can e-mail, chat online, or call in. What I like about Dawson is that he approaches people’s topics head on and is direct about what needs to happen. The radio show is more of a self intervention, after talking to Dawson callers get sent to the hopeline. If you need help and don’t feel like you can talk to family or friends Dawson and the hopeline could be an excellent alternative. Not only will they talk to you, but they will make and effort to help you get the help you may need. I have not called in, but have been a listener and find it both really inspirational and helpful. I’m not sure if there are restrictions listening online out of the United States or not since I have no way to test, but give it a try. There is a lot of information on his blogs and still online support available. Dawson/Hopeline:
Hope everyone is well on this hot summer day, or cold winter day, depending where in the world you are. Over the years I have lived in places with very low grades when it comes to the mental health system in the United States. I have to say the grades are pretty much dead on too, the experiences I’ve had are awful. The U.S. in general greatly suffers when it comes to good mental health support and treatment. I truly believe a lot of this has to do with the stigma out there and lack of understanding. Mental illness though really is the same as any physical illness, just a different problem, so let me tell my experience and help the world learn.
Yesterday I finally got internet connectivity again and am able to continue on with my posts. The last week though has been an interesting experience though looking at the different affects its had on me.
I think one person at work has begun to sense a little that there is a bit more behind my face than what I really show on a daily basis. I haven’t outright spoken about the difference issues I have, but instead have passed the blame onto all the changes going on in my life right now. I think even my mom over the phone perhaps has noticed somewhat of a change. Between moving and changing jobs the different issues are flaring up a bit more. Without the internet and most of my distractions, the situation became even more interesting.
As the move got closer I got more nervous and anxious. I also began to wonder if I would actually manage to pack everything in time before the big moving day. I did finish though, 12am the morning prior to the move.
The past week I’ve found myself making a lot more phone calls than usual. I really don’t like talking on the phone, but it’s been something to keep me distracted and occupied. If I go back to my old place now I feel really out of place like I don’t belong there. At my new place I feel more comfortable in that I like the floor plan and space better than the other. The community also seems to be a bit more mature, which is wonderful, but I haven’t been able to meet too many new people yet. I need to work up the courage to go for a run around the neighborhood or something. It would be good for my physical well-being too.
I still haven’t checked my new mailbox; I have this fear of who I will run into and just keep avoiding it. The people around seem friendly, but other than observation I tend to just keep to a friendly hello and proceed to my place. Updating my address has been taking a bit of effort as well. I pushed off changing my internet service till the last minute as well as electric and postal. I should have done these things in advance, I don’t know if this is natural or not. I still need to adjust quite a bit, but all in all I feel the new place is better for me than the old one.
Problems I Attribute to the Old Place:
1) I’ve noticed relapse of my depression, but in worse ways than before and closer to borderline or bipolar. I am not sure entirely what to make of this, but will elaborate further in a later post.
2) Due to the noise problems and lack of proper handling I have distanced myself from people further and my anxiety towards being accepted and around people has become worse.
What the Old Place Helped:
1) I began to stand up for myself and not tolerate others bringing me down.
Things to do while moving when without internet and much else to do include:
1) Read a book (This has helped me a lot)
2) Call a friend or family if you have a cell phone
3) Drive an hour to dinner (if you have a car and license)
This wasn’t a post about much, but I am back and expect to have a more informative post soon, including posts about how the moving experience progresses over the next few weeks.